Tinkle, Tinkle, Little Star.

July 30, 2008 at 4:12 pm 19 comments

 

First off, let me state that I will stop at nothing to entertain you, even at the expense of my own dignity.

So here goes:

 

Like many women over the age of 25 who do not have three hours a day to go to the gym, I occasionally wear a foundation garment under my clothes to smooth out some of my bumps and bulges. I wear Spanx brand “body shapers.”

Because Oprah said so.

I like to call them my self esteem panties.

One really awesome feature on them is that they have this split-crotch thing so it’s easier to go to the bathroom. However, I’m weird, and I wear regular panties under my self-esteem panties. So when I have to go number 1, I usually just pull my regular panties and my self-esteem panties to the side like when I’m wearing a bathing suit and let her rip.

However, today, while I perform this task we call peeing, which a four-year-old can perform without error,  I suddenly feel Not Right. I feel warm. I feel warm where I shouldn’t feel warm.

Fuuuuuuck.

I thought I had my panties pulled to the side, but apparently not sufficiently.  I’m now sitting in the stall, wet, humiliated, and frozen with terror.

I peed myself. I. Peed. Myself. At work. I am almost 28 years old and I wet my pants.

My rational brain then woke up and shook the shoulders of Freaking Out Amber:

 

Rational Amber: Dude, you gotta shake this off. Be cool, okay? Just pull your wet drawers off, put ’em in a baggy, go back to your desk, and text Andrew. He will bring you clean underwear. You can do this.

Freaking out Amber: Okay, okay…baggy. Where do I get a baggy? WHERE?!

Rational Amber: Look in the cupboard by the sink.

Freaking Out Amber: *tears through cupboard* …there aren’t any! There! Aren’t! Any! Oh my GOD I have to carry my wet panties to my desk. I HAVE NO POCKETS!

Rational Amber: Calm down. Calm the fuck down, dude. There are spare bags for sanitary napkins over there. Grab one of those.

Freaking Out Amber: *hurriedly stores shame panties in wax paper bag and crumples it into her fist* Okay. Okay. I’m cool. Here we go. Back to our desk.

 

I speedwalk back to my desk and, before I can shove the evidence into my bag, my coworker asks what’s in the paper bag. I’m still recovering from my freak out and can’t come up with a good lie, so I sigh and say, “….if you MUST know…” which was enough for her to not require further explanation.

And then, as I shove the bag into my purse, a terrible realization dawns on me: I don’t have my cell phone. I can’t text Andrew discreetly to have him rescue me. I can’t rely on his seeing an email, either, because it’s nearly his lunch hour and he may not see it until it’s too late and he’s already back to work.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. What did people do when they peed themselves 20 years ago? There will be questions. Questions I will have to answer out loud.

I pick up my work phone, dial Andrew, and try to determine if there is a way I can tell him in code that I need him to bring me a new pair of underwear.

 

Amber: I don’t have my cell phone.

Andrew: I know.

Amber: Are you going home for lunch?

Andrew: Do we have food?

Amber: No, I guess we don’t.

Andrew: Then I’m probably just going to pick something up.

Amber: Okay…*panic* …never mind.

Andrew: Why? What do you need?

Amber:

Andrew:

Amber: …underwear.

Andrew: Oh. Period?

Amber: I really don’t want to talk about this at work.

Andrew: It’s a yes or no question!

Amber: Okay. No.

Andrew:

Andrew: Okay, I’ll be there in a little bit.

 

While I realize that I pretty much fail at adulthood if I can’t even pee correctly, I knew I couldn’t fail you, the reader, by sparing you all the mortifying details. You’re welcome.

 

Ever approval-seeking,

Amber

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Entry filed under: life stuff, marriage, work. Tags: , , , , , , .

It has been one week since my last confession. Irrational Fears.

19 Comments Add your own

  • 1. trappedinabay  |  July 30, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    Heeheeheeheee! I was right. The internet DID need to know.

    Reply
  • 2. Andrew  |  July 30, 2008 at 4:32 pm

    Does Rational Amber speak with the voice of your husband? Because I think that would mirror reality nicely. 😀

    Reply
  • 3. scapegrace  |  July 30, 2008 at 7:14 pm

    Fantastic post! I like “self esteem panties” much better than the mysterious “B.P. ” used in our house.

    Reply
  • 4. snarking  |  July 30, 2008 at 8:14 pm

    B.P.?

    Reply
  • 5. Jolene  |  July 30, 2008 at 8:37 pm

    Aw, hunny. It’s not that bad. I mean, you were sitting over the toilet, so that counts. It’s more like, you *pee on yourself* than *peed yourself.*

    Reply
  • 6. Jolene  |  July 30, 2008 at 8:38 pm

    I meant “GOT pee on yourself*

    I need to proofread.

    Reply
  • 7. gordonwithers  |  July 31, 2008 at 5:01 am

    This is one of the best posts I’ve ever read on the Internets.

    I’m sorry it had to come at your expense, though!

    Reply
  • 8. BaltimoreGal  |  July 31, 2008 at 7:22 am

    Yeah, I never trust those “split-crotch” holes. Not worth the risk. And I can’t go without underwear under my tights or “self esteem” panties. I’m just not that free.
    Thank you for this- it was hilarious.

    Reply
  • 9. Jimmy  |  July 31, 2008 at 7:37 am

    I extol this post (that’s my dictionary.com word of the day – “extol”) to level of glorification-awkward-awesomeness! I once did something similar: during baseball practice (when I was 13), I had a case of the shits. I went to the bathroom a couple of times, only to get questioned by my coach for leaving so often: “You know Jimmy, if you go to the bathroom three times, your playing with yourself.” I wasn’t playing with myself, I was shitting a lot. Then, while playing first base, I farted — but it wasn’t a fart, it a shart (shit-fart). Except this was a sloppy shart, as if a water-balloon full of mud exploded in my pants. I walked home.

    Funny post.

    Reply
  • 10. magpie  |  August 2, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    I totally pissed myself laughing, well, not literally. But, my god, seriously funny. You’ve a way with words, I was feeling the embarrassment for you. Oh, and Spanx rocks!

    Reply
  • 11. em  |  August 7, 2008 at 6:51 pm

    Ok so I just happened upon your site today via mamapop and have to say- you are hilarious. I also have to say…this has actually happened to me. Verbatim. Except I was hosting a bridal shower (thank god it was just about over) and had to ditch the undies in the public restroom bc I too had no pockets. I raced home quick as could be after the party ended and cried. And I didn’t have the guts to tell my then fiance. I have avoided the self esteem panties since then.

    Reply
  • 12. snarking  |  August 8, 2008 at 12:31 pm

    We should start a Spanx victims’ support group, em. They oughtta have a warning on those. “Caution: spread legs VERY WIDE when urinating while using this product.

    Reply
  • 13. Alex  |  August 12, 2008 at 12:49 am

    I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!

    Reply
  • 14. iris  |  August 16, 2008 at 7:51 am

    I did this exact thing at an outdoor college party once. Now I staunchly refuse to pee outside ever.

    Reply
  • 15. scott  |  August 19, 2008 at 1:42 pm

    Awwwww…… Amber……. I think you’re my new internet sweetie.

    Reply
  • 16. Maxine Dangerous  |  August 28, 2008 at 10:08 am

    I think my favorite part was Andrew’s pause after you said you hadn’t started your period. 😀 We’ve all had our bathroom misadventures but you are awesome enough to share your stories. Shame panties — hee hee! 🙂

    Reply
  • 17. body shaper girl  |  October 21, 2010 at 4:37 am

    sooo like this post! =)

    Reply
  • 18. Chichi  |  April 13, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    Out of the whole story (which I can totally relate to…minus the spare panty part. If it’s wet, then I just go commando!), I gathered this: your husband is awesome! haha I don’t know of anyone who would leave work to get me a spare back at home!

    Reply
  • 19. Arnoldo  |  January 10, 2013 at 7:32 am

    I’m really impressed along with your writing skills and also with the layout in your blog. Is that this a paid subject or did you modify it your self? Anyway keep up the nice high quality writing, it is rare to look a great weblog like this one nowadays..

    Reply

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