Changes.

January 6, 2008 at 3:56 pm 8 comments

The holidays are over. I had a nice visit with my sister, almost ruined Christmas with my shitty mood and had a stupid fight with Andrew after my family left. Christmas simply doesn’t agree with me, and the sooner I let go of the notion that I should like Christmas, the sooner I’ll probably actually enjoy it because I’m not trying to turn it into more than just another day. What ruins it for me is this stupid expectation that it has to be something special. Next year I just hope to see it as a nice chance to hang out with my family, nothing more, nothing less.

The new quarter has begun and I’m already overwhelmed. I have cut back my hours at work, but I still feel I’m stretched a little thin. It might have something to do with being in class for three hours, four nights a week.

You’d think that what I’m about to say would be the last thing that would ever come to mind with all the work and school related stuff going on. But something happened in a moment of drunkenness last weekend that I can’t shake. It was the realization that I might be wrong about a core belief about myself.

I have pretty much always thought I didn’t want kids, and Andrew had felt the same, so without reservations, he scheduled an appointment for a vasectomy on the 11th. But last week, while getting drunk with some friends, something changed. I thought of how permanent it could be, how much I’ve changed in the last seven years and what might happen in the next seven, and I realized that I have no idea how I’ll feel about kids then. I kept having this premonition that around 35 I was going to be really bummed that we eliminated the possibility of making a little us.

We talked and I realized that I’m not ready to decide I don’t want kids. It was so weird to let go of something I thought I was so sure of, but as much as we know what a sacrifice kids are, in the sense of a loss of freedom to just get in the car and drive who knows where, or spend our money on whatever we feel like, I also feel like…I dunno. I like us so much that a kid made out of us would be the coolest person ever. That kid would be the coolest, smartest, funniest, most adorable person ever, and that realization kind of gave me a sharp kick in the self-perception.

I don’t want to meet that kid right now. At all. We don’t have the time, patience, money, or even really the desire for him. Right now I am happy being a two-person us, and I think I will be for a long time, maybe forever, just as I’ve always thought. All I’m saying is that I might be really sad in a few years that we literally severed our chances to meet that kid simply because we had a static idea of who we are. Who I was at 20 is almost a different species from 27-year old me. Who knows what another seven years will do.

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Entry filed under: family, life stuff, marriage, motherhood, school, work.

Winter Break Blahs Blah blah.

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kdiddy  |  January 6, 2008 at 4:22 pm

    it’s good to keep your options open, you know? unless it becomes medically necessary, I’m going to keep my fertility operating. I do know a few people, both with and without children, who have had their tubes tied and are very happy about it. I think I’m too insecure too make any permanent decisions or some shit.

    Reply
  • 2. Ferol from eljay  |  January 6, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    Here’s the thing. Vasectomies are supposedly way easier to reverse than tubal ligations. I know several men who have had them reversed, and have successfully had children after the procedure. If it is something you are unsure of, but are sick of using other methods of birth control, a V doesn’t seem to be as permanent as a tubal. Granted, that means your darling hubby might need to have his junk messed with twice (unappealing, I’m sure), but it’s something to consider perhaps.

    Reply
  • 3. zendeni  |  January 6, 2008 at 6:11 pm

    This entry really impressed me.

    Reply
  • 4. teri lee  |  January 6, 2008 at 8:33 pm

    Smart move. 🙂

    IUD’s are very unpleasant to be fitted but definitely less permanent than the infamous V, and require next to no thought for 3 to 5 years.

    Reply
  • 5. snarking  |  January 6, 2008 at 10:55 pm

    Actually, I have had a copper IUD for a couple years, and they’re good for 10-12 years, so BC isn’t really an issue. I had wanted to get rid of it because of the side effects (horribly debilitating cramps and extremely heavy flow – on my worst day, I soak through an Ultra in an hour). If I get to the point where I can’t take it anymore, I might switch to the Mirena, although the reason why I’d gotten the copper in the first place is because I react badly to hormone BC.

    Reply
  • 6. Gordon  |  January 7, 2008 at 7:26 am

    I’m glad to read this, and oddly not surprised.

    Reply
  • 7. Ed  |  January 7, 2008 at 8:39 pm

    How easy a V is to reverse depends on the technique (there are several). The problem is that the easier one is to reverse by a doctor, the easier it is to spontaneously reverse. I don’t like to think about what it would take to reverse mine.

    I walked out of the movie Parenthood (at age 27) thinking, “Never in ten thousand lifetimes!” I got the first inkling of “well, maybe…” a few years later when I got to hold my friend’s newborn, and it took another year or two before I decided that a) I could actually get into this father thing, and b) I was willing to risk polluting the gene pool with my somewhat septic DNA. There was very visceral, almost pre-cognitive sense of “it’s time.”

    Himself was conceived in a doctor’s office after many tries, and although it was one of the most gut-wrenching experiences of my life, I am grateful to have been tested that severely. If you still want it after being on that roller-coaster a bunch of times, then you know you want it BAD.

    It’s not for nothing that so many people wait until their late 20’s or early 30’s to start trying to have kids. It’s for all the reasons you mentioned: you want to have the other parts of your life reasonably well straightened out before making that huge commitment. It’ll never be a perfect time to have kids, but clearly some times are better than others.

    Like kdiddy I’d recommend keeping your options open until you can more easily discern whether you don’t want to have kids now versus not wanting them at all. Once you’re good and sure you like things the way they are, then you can look to a more permanent form of birth control. Until then, it’s wise to keep the freedom to change your mind, even if you never do.

    Reply
  • 8. Shelley  |  January 14, 2008 at 8:25 pm

    I can honestly say I never thought I’d hear you say this. I’m glad though. I think you’d be good at it. when you are ready. You take things very seriously and make sure to do them right, and you are a lot of fun.

    Reply

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