Changes. January 6, 2008

The holidays are over. I had a nice visit with my sister, almost ruined Christmas with my shitty mood and had a stupid fight with Andrew after my family left. Christmas simply doesn’t agree with me, and the sooner I let go of the notion that I should like Christmas, the sooner I’ll probably actually enjoy it because I’m not trying to turn it into more than just another day. What ruins it for me is this stupid expectation that it has to be something special. Next year I just hope to see it as a nice chance to hang out with my family, nothing more, nothing less.

The new quarter has begun and I’m already overwhelmed. I have cut back my hours at work, but I still feel I’m stretched a little thin. It might have something to do with being in class for three hours, four nights a week.

You’d think that what I’m about to say would be the last thing that would ever come to mind with all the work and school related stuff going on. But something happened in a moment of drunkenness last weekend that I can’t shake. It was the realization that I might be wrong about a core belief about myself.

I have pretty much always thought I didn’t want kids, and Andrew had felt the same, so without reservations, he scheduled an appointment for a vasectomy on the 11th. But last week, while getting drunk with some friends, something changed. I thought of how permanent it could be, how much I’ve changed in the last seven years and what might happen in the next seven, and I realized that I have no idea how I’ll feel about kids then. I kept having this premonition that around 35 I was going to be really bummed that we eliminated the possibility of making a little us.

We talked and I realized that I’m not ready to decide I don’t want kids. It was so weird to let go of something I thought I was so sure of, but as much as we know what a sacrifice kids are, in the sense of a loss of freedom to just get in the car and drive who knows where, or spend our money on whatever we feel like, I also feel like…I dunno. I like us so much that a kid made out of us would be the coolest person ever. That kid would be the coolest, smartest, funniest, most adorable person ever, and that realization kind of gave me a sharp kick in the self-perception.

I don’t want to meet that kid right now. At all. We don’t have the time, patience, money, or even really the desire for him. Right now I am happy being a two-person us, and I think I will be for a long time, maybe forever, just as I’ve always thought. All I’m saying is that I might be really sad in a few years that we literally severed our chances to meet that kid simply because we had a static idea of who we are. Who I was at 20 is almost a different species from 27-year old me. Who knows what another seven years will do.

Winter Break Blahs December 23, 2007

I have had absolutely no Christmas joy this year, and I hate to admit it, but it’s because I have not gone shopping. I can’t really afford to. While I will spend time with my family, which is the most important part, I feel a little guilty that I haven’t bought tokens of my affection for my husband, sister and parents. I know that I have good reasons—things like tuition and car repairs come first, and everyone is very understanding—but that doesn’t stop me from being pretty bummed about the whole thing.

Andrew did buy me a CD yesterday, the soundtrack to I’m Not There, which I am currently enjoying with coffee at the coffee shop down the street. I have developed a Sunday ritual since the middle of the quarter, where I go to a coffee shop other than the one I always hang out in and where everyone knows me, and enjoy some time alone, listening to music and either working (during the school term) or reading. I have read three books since the quarter ended, and have three more waiting for me on the nightstand. I forgot how wonderful it feels to read for pleasure, and I hope to make time for it during the next quarter, though that’s probably a futile thing to hope for. I’m taking 12 credits, working somewhere between 20-30 hours and probably volunteering for DVSAS (Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services) of Whatcom County.

This break isn’t actually much of a period of rest, either. I am working full time during the school break, and brushing up on pre-calculus so I can pass the math assessment test and prove my mediocre grasp of college-level algebra, or else I will be sentenced to the purgatory of Math 99 before I get my transfer degree, which would be tragedy. Also, I still have three essays to write for my application to WWU and my supplementary application to the school’s interdisciplinary studies college, Fairhaven College. On top of it, there are the holidays and my sister’s visit. Spending this Sunday lazing in solitude feels all the more necessary in light of all that, yet I can’t help feeling I should maybe work on a couple math lessons or an essay.

I think maybe my New Years Resolution will be to drop the guilt complex thing. It’s pretty tired.

I’ve been a bad, bad blogger. December 19, 2007

Frankly, my brain completely shut down after Friday afternoon of last week, so all you might have seen in this space is unintelligible drivel, anyway.

 I am like Loverboy over here, totally working for the weekend, especially since it’s four days long this time around. My little sis is driving in from Utah and should be here Friday. I am still not sure when I am entertaining her, but I know she wants to stay at my place a few days to visit with my Playstation. I mean, to spend quality sister time. Playing Guitar Hero.

Whatever, we have our own way of bonding.

 We have had a horrible run in with Murphy’s law or maybe Mercury retrograde or whatever during the last week. I dented my pristine car pretty badly (seconds after Andrew remarked, “Wow, this car is in really nice shape for its age”) while leaving my office Christmas party. I wasn’t drunk, just, you know, being a bad driver. I normally wouldn’t have been driving in the first place, only Andrew’s car needs a new alternator, and the repair quote was so obscene we were left wondering whether the alternator on a VW is made, not from metal, but rather from unicorn horns and fairy dust. In addition to being down to one car while we can’t afford to fix the other at the moment, what with my tuition being due, our car insurance went up without my knowing. All these expenses keep rearing their ugly heads, and so Christmas, as far as I’m concerned, is pretty much postponed for some time after I graduate from grad school.  

Thankfully, our string of bad luck did not affect my GPA: 4.0 again, bitches. I am proudest of my A in Advanced Composition. I have never worked so hard for an A in my life.

I interrupt this homework-filled weekend to bring you these brief messages. December 9, 2007

Work on LOUD.ROBOT is going well. I have a new review up and the first of what I hope to be many submissions. The project has really grown on me, and I want to keep it up even after my grades are submitted. I am a little frustrated with my partner on the project, who has contributed content but still hasn’t sent the final artwork I expected about three weeks ago. At this point, I don’t even really feel like changing what I put up for the time being with whatever he’s working on, but it’s his project too, I guess.

In political news, Mike Huckabee boils my blood. In addition to reading about his plan in 1992 to quarantine AIDS patients and votes against AIDS research, Huckabee’s justifications for excluding gays from marriage rights are a joke. From a recent interview in GQ:

I don’t think the issue’s about being against gay marriage. It’s about being for traditional marriage and articulating the reason that’s important. You have to have a basic family structure. There’s never been a civilization that has rewritten what marriage and family means and survive[d]. So there is a sense in which, you know, it’s one thing to say if people want to live a different way, that’s their business. But when you want to redefine what family means or what marriage means, then that’s an issue that should require some serious and significant debate in the public square. And if you look at states that have had it on the ballot—I know in our state it was a 70-percent-against issue. Most states are similar to that. [emphasis mine]

The fact that this kind of faulty logic actually works on some people is boggling. For one, even if what Huckabee says is true, the argument that because there is no evidence of something (like a society that has successfully redefined marriage or family), it is not viable, is an argument from ignorance: “there is no evidence for p; therefore, not p.” Even someone who got a C in introductory logic can spot the fallacy. Furthermore, he seems to be insinuating that there were societies who redefined marriage and family and did not survive, and if so, he’s committed a formal fallacy - affirming the consequent.

But even if the argument itself wasn’t fallacious, it relies on false premises. Marriage and family structure have changed dramatically over the course of human history. Marriage used to be a purely economic arrangement that benefited the family (which, by the way, didn’t resemble Huckabee’s “traditional” nuclear family). Marriage for romantic love is, in historic terms, an extremely young convention. And anti-miscegenation laws existed in this country until made unconstitutional in the 60s by the Supreme Court. Perhaps Huckabee thinks we should reinstate anti-miscegenation laws, or while we’re preserving “traditional” marriage, perhaps we should bring back dowries and limit the right to divorce. Oh wait, we know he at least would like to do the latter.

The fact is, marriage traditions have changed drastically over the last few centuries, as have families. The nuclear family so revered by the right is less than two centuries old, and still society hasn’t crumbled. And I think if you ask a Canadian, Belgian, or Netherlander if their societies are on the verge of toppling for permitting same sex marriages, you’d probably get a chuckle from most.

I just wish people like Huckabee would be honest and give the real reasons why they make these arguments: because they’re homophobes and they want to appeal to other homophobes who will focus on that issue and forget for a minute about the complete clusterfuck in Iraq or the other mishandlings the current administration and the Republican party are responsible for. I honestly would respect them more for not trying to paint over the hate and manipulation with bad logic and a shitty understanding of history.

I don’t know what’s more infuriating, the argument itself, or the fact that it gets thrown up like a smoke bomb every time an election is on the horizon and gone as soon as the votes are counted. When will Republicans stop playing the gay-fear card, and when will stupid redneck homophobes stop falling for it?

Yeah, I’ll be over here holding my breath.

L O U D R O B O T December 4, 2007

o hai, I has a new blog.

But this one is for a grade. 35% of my grade, to be exact.

Thus, I shall shamelessly pimp to you, my regular readers, the music blog that will determine whether I get to keep my A in English 201 or fail miserably. You may read and comment on posts by me and other contributors at http://loudrobot.wordpress.com.

Also, if you would like to participate in the fun, all you have to do is set up a WordPress account if you do not already have one, and then send me an email at loudrobotmusicmedia @ gmail.com, and I’ll get you set up as a contributor.

What are we looking for? Features on all types of music, really. Show reviews, album and single critiques, top ten lists, interviews, you name it. The only real requisite is that you can write passionately (and articulately) about music.

And, I don’t want to beg or anything, but please remember, this is 35% of my grade, and a large part of that grade is successfully creating a community of writing, which I can’t do if I’m the only one writing! [/shameless plug]

To those of you who have this feed on your LJ friends list as well as my own LJ, I apologize profusely for the spamming.

Crap like this pisses me off. December 2, 2007

Linked in Feministing.com’s Weekly feminist Reader:

Babe of the Week - Outrageous Boobs Gallery and Images

Basically, it’s a nine-page spread of big tits in video games. Wow, GameDaily really went out on a limb, delivering gaming journalism as daring and radical as “LOL Boobs are teh awesome.”

The quote that got my knickers in a twist? “The best part of Ninja Gaiden Sigma is playing as Rachel, though we’re not sure how much that skimpy armor can protect her. From us.” (emphasis mine)

WTF?

I sent a comment to the editors, because there’s nothing better with your morning latte than an extra shot of indignation:

As a female gamer, I was extremely disappointed when a link elsewhere led me to the “Outrageous Boobs” feature on your site. It’s features like this that make gaming a predominantly male pastime. Perhaps its your objective to perpetuate the boys’ club atmosphere in gaming, but consider this: girls who game don’t bitch when their boyfriends want to game. That is, unless it comes to playing games that promote objectification of and sexualized violence toward women.

If that doesn’t ruffle you at all, you should at least consider how tired and trite features like this are. Setting aside for a moment the body-image issues female characters like these create in young girls — or the unrealistic expectations they instill in boys, for that matter — don’t you think this sort of feature is played out? Wow, big tits in a video game, how novel. At best it’s tired and lazy content. At worst, it’s irresponsible, disrespectful and marginalizing.

Do I think it’ll make a difference? Not really. But I am sick of authors failing to consider the ethical responsibility their text carries. In this case, ethical responsibility is apparently lost on both the makers of games that tell 14 year-old boys that girls can (show me a woman with Lara Croft’s 32Fs and 24 inch waist, and I’ll show you a woman with severe back problems, a horrific boob job, or both) or should look like these women, and the writers who report on those games.

NaBloPoMo - Last Day November 30, 2007

Well, I made it. I managed to blog 30 days straight, and though there are definitely some throw-away posts (this one being one of them), it was a good exercise and has really helped me with my writing in other forums.

I am relieved, however, to eliminate the self-imposed pressure to post something every day, at least as I finish the last two hellish weeks of the quarter.

I am sort of dreading Winter quarter and it’s caused me to reconsider my plans to enroll for 12 credits. It’s only two courses, and I’d really love to finish it and be done, but I’m thinking it might be best to stretch it out over winter and spring quarter, since I still may have to take a math course if I don’t test out with a high enough score on the placement exam. I’m also beginning to feel it might be less stressful to start big girl school in the fall rather than the spring and have the summer off. I think I’ll have a better idea of what I want to do when I talk to Andrew about it tonight.

Now that this NaBloPoMo thing is over, I hope to post less crap - quality over quantity and all.

Good grief. November 29, 2007

In the middle of my writing workshop today, I broke down crying because I realized as I was reading over my paper that I had completely missed the mark, and it’s due at 11:55 pm tonight. I talked to my teacher about it, and we agreed to meet during her office hours. Since I left class at 1:15 pm, I have redrafted my paper, discussed my redraft, re-redrafted, edited, created a works cited page and painstakingly picked it over with a fine-tooth comb to make sure I’ve complied with MLA style. All that’s left is my writer’s memo, but I’m at the point where thinking any more about this fucking paper makes me want to go slam my hand in a drawer.

Anyway, I’d better bite the bullet.

Hangover. November 28, 2007

champagne + bourbon + tequila = BAD IDEA.

It’s finally happened. November 27, 2007

I’ve reached the age where you forget it’s your birthday, and it’s pretty much like any other day. It wasn’t until a coworker sent me a picture of a birthday cake with a smiley face on it or something equally cheesy that I remembered, though I can’t remember my name some days until I’ve finished my first cup of coffee, so I guess that’s more a testament to my burgeoning caffeine addiction than to anything else.

So far my loot includes $85 in cash and a gift certificate for a mani and a pedi. I am extremely stoked about the pedicure especially – thanks Michael!

I’m mostly preoccupied with my English class, which is pretty all-consuming right now. My partner for my class project is MIA and so I’m pretty much resigned to doing all the work until he proves me wrong. So this is my poster/call for submissions, without his input:

MIA partner was supposed to provide the art for the poster, so if he ever turns up, the image will likely change. This is why I simply can’t stand when classwork requires working with others. It’s especially difficult working with others that are almost ten years younger than me and can’t be on time for anything that doesn’t involve a keg, a bong, an XBox 360 or a combination of those three items.
Jesus, I sound about eleventy thousand years old.